What Are the 5 Stages of Grief
And Why They Don’t Always Go In Order
You've heard it said there are 5 stages of grief. When you're grieving, one of the most common things people do is search to find out what those stages are — and to find out if what they're experiencing fits into one of them.
The 5 stages of grief are (supposedly — I'll explain that in a moment): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Maybe you're wondering: Yesterday I felt acceptance when I was at work, and today at yoga I was sobbing — depressed, and a little angry. Is something wrong with me?
Not at all. And here's why.
The Stages Don't Go in Order — And They Weren't Even Made for Grievers
These stages (stage meaning the phase you are in while processing your loss) are not one-and-done. They don't go in order. And they're not the only things you'll feel when grieving.
Here's something that might surprise you: the 5 stages of grief were not originally created for people who are grieving a loss. They were created for people who were dying.
Between 1965 and 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross observed patients with fatal illnesses in a hospital setting. She noticed them moving through recognizable emotional phases — and she documented them. Her work also grew out of a troubling reality: doctors and hospital staff often ignored or mistreated patients with terminal diagnoses, leaving them and their families to navigate their prognosis largely alone. Her landmark book, On Death and Dying, was published in 1969.
Because of her compassionate and rigorous attention to this population, hospice care was born — and those who are dying are now able to experience a more respectful, thoughtful, and humane end of life.
Over time, her 5 stages were misappropriated and applied to grief more broadly. In response, Kübler-Ross and author David Kessler wrote On Grief and Grieving to offer more context for those going through the grieving process. It's a book I highly recommend.
So — Am I Grieving "Right"?
If you landed here, you're probably still asking: Okay, I got educated. But I am grieving. Am I doing it right? Am I depressed? How does any of this apply to me?
Here's the truth: You are grieving right, any time that you are grieving.
Grief is a natural human process — the emotional and physiological response that comes with losing someone; often with someone we love. No matter what it looks like for you, you are entitled to your experience and the way you grieve.
That said, if you are grieving at the same intensity — or worse — 12 months or more after your loss (6 months for children), you may qualify for a diagnosis called Prolonged Grief Disorder. You're still not doing it wrong. But the intensity may be calling for extra support.
Now, back to the 5 stages. What are they?
Denial
Denial means you simply can't believe it. It might seem — in a moment, or for hours, or for days — that you just cannot believe the world moves forward without them. It doesn't make sense. Are they really "not there"? It's not that there aren't moments where you can see them — in yourself, in others, in nature, in pictures and home movies. But still, there's a feeling of: I just can't believe it. That's normal. And that might happen the moment you receive the news — or years later, when you reach for your phone to call them, only to remember. They would have been the only one who'd get why this is so funny.
Anger
Anger in grief takes many forms. It might look like:
Anger at the medical establishment
Anger at relatives who didn't treat your person well, or who are acting out in the aftermath
Anger at people who are still alive when your person is not
Anger at yourself for not showing up the way you wish you had
Anger at the person who died — people die, not saints, and complicated feelings are normal
Anger because it's Wednesday
Anger is a normal feeling. It has energy. It feels good...ish. It's not sustainable, but it's often better than being sad. Don't dismiss your anger. But if you're sitting in it and can't find your way out, you might want some help working through it.
Bargaining
Bargaining is a strange one, but it functions almost like math. When we lose someone, we sometimes can't accept that it's real — so we start running equations: If only I had done X, then Y wouldn't have happened. It's the mind trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. It's easier to blame ourselves than to believe something happened beyond our control. In a sense, that belief might give us the feeling of control — or at least it keeps our brains up and running, searching for an answer. Often, when our brains do that, we become the fall guy in our own story. Finding relief from that self-blame can be a goal in grief therapy.
Depression
Depression after loss is normal — expected, even. The world is not the same. You are not the same. There has been a reality shift, and the absence of your person may leave you incredibly sad, bereft, or unable to get out of bed. You might experience changes in appetite, isolation, loss of joy (anhedonia), or even suicidal thoughts — particularly if your loss was by suicide.
Depression in response to grief is a natural response, but professional support can be vital in making sure you're not carrying it alone.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts: You do not have to face this alone. Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If your thoughts haven't reached that point, that doesn't mean you don't need support — please don't hesitate to reach out to a therapist, a support group, or someone you trust.
Acceptance
Acceptance can sound like an ending — and in some ways it is. But you might feel acceptance one day and rage the next. No! This is not okay! That's valid too. What you can work toward is accepting that you are grieving, that you are going through something hard, and that it takes both self-compassion and support from others to come through to the other side. Believe it or not, there is a point where the intensity ebbs, and life can move on WHILE you never forget the person you lost and you carry them with you into the life ahead.
What About Everything Else You're Feeling?
Guilt. Remorse. Confusion. Anxiety. Developmental regression. Identity Loss. These are all things that can show up in grief — and none of them are wrong.
The one layer you truly don't need? Beating yourself up.
You are grieving. It is not easy. If you're going to accept anything, accept that.
The five stages are something to hold onto, to help make sense out of your experience. They can sometimes give a roadmap when you need to feel grounded and need some message to say this pain won't last forever. And most likely, it won't. At least not at this intensity.
Because ultimately, when the weight of grief begins to soften, what remains beneath all the stages and phases and confusion is the thing that was there all along:
Love.
If you're navigating grief and feel like you could use more support, I'm here. [Contact me] to learn more about grief therapy and how we can work through this together.
