Couples Therapy

All of these are good questions. And let's be honest, it's possible they aren't the questions you're asking. Couples come to counseling for all kinds of reasons — sometimes it's a fight that never really ends, sometimes it's just an iciness that's crept into how you talk to each other, sometimes you're not fighting at all, you just feel more like roommates than partners. Or maybe it's one of these:

• fertility issues

• parenting discrepancies

• phases of life are not meshing

• loss of intimacy

• broken trust

Whatever is bringing you to couples, if you're here I can say this: You don't look into going to Couples Therapy unless you think it might help you. Unless you think your relationship needs help.

Your relationship is worth helping.

No couple's relationship is perfect. All couples have their stuff.

Yeah but, can you help us?

Maybe, maybe not. The real question is do you want to do this at all? There are many reasons couples avoid counseling. You might feel like the bad guy, maybe talking about the deeper stuff is just about the last thing you feel like doing. Perhaps the mere thought of engaging in couples therapy feels like a failure; like you should have been able to fix it without outside help. Some people feel if they begin couples, they're going to get a divorce—like it's the first step towards that.

I understand all of those concerns. I've heard them all. And listen, I'd never force anyone to go to therapy if they don't want to. That being said, I also see couples who feel their ship has sailed, who are scared their relationship is over, and who certainly don't relish the idea of being vulnerable with a partner that at least some of the time, they don't necessarily like very much. And yet they've decided to give it a try because the idea of status quo is actually worse than giving it a go.

So, if you don't want to look under the hood, I understand but let's be real: it's not like the car is going to magically drive better without finding out why it’s so hard to drive.

What Can We Expect In Our Session?

An excellent question and I'm not going to lie, it's hard to explain. What I can tell you is I work from an Attachment-Focused lens and I'm trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). What I like about it is that it doesn't stop at the fight you're having — it goes back to where you learned to fight, or shut down, or go quiet, in the first place. Childhood, old relationships, all of it. Because none of us showed up to this relationship as a blank slate.

In order to understand all of this more deeply we talk, we listen, and I might interrupt — a lot. Fair warning now, because I'll probably remind you again mid-session. It can feel jarring at first, but that's actually the training: couples therapists are taught to interrupt boldly, because we practice what it is like to say out loud what is really going on. We focus less on the content and more on the emotion—more in how we're interpreting what we're hearing. For many it takes a bit to be able to do that and that's okay. It takes what it takes and then you're in.

So you can save our relationship?

Is it a slam-dunk? Any counselor worth their salt will not make promises like that. (If they do, run.) Not all relationships were meant to last. And yet I've seen many relationships go the distance people did not believe could when they walked through my door.

What I can tell you is that it's worth popping the hood. You might be surprised what's fixable. You might find out the car analogy doesn't matter anymore. But that you're in the relationship you want to be in with the partner you want to be with.

It’s amazing what can happen when you feel heard.